managing tears

I hate when she cries.  Mostly because I never seem to handle it the same way twice. I often worry if the instability is sending her a harmful message.  Is a lack of control of my emotions creating a space that feels unsafe for her to have her own?

When I yell, or harshly tell her “THAT IS ENOUGH” am I teaching her to hold it in?  Sometimes I cry with her. Sometimes I cry before her. Sometimes I cry after her.  Often though, our tears are tied together.

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She throws herself back on the seat in the car and starts screaming.  The tears are already falling. Her leg is stuck in her bag of snow gear and she's had trouble making it to the door in the car from the very back row where she insisted on sitting today. We were already running late, and I knew the fight wasn’t worth the change in seats.  Until right now, when I wonder if maybe it would have been.  The principal is just standing there with a kind smile on her face with the door open, waiting for her to finish the meltdown. She’s a mom, she understands. 

 “It’s ok Zoey, take your time to get your foot unstuck.  There’s no rush” I say.  Except, there kind of is.  We are in the car drop off line for school, and well time is money with these things.  She makes her way out, guided by a helping hand from the principal.  She tells me to have a good day and closes the door.  My own tears start before I even make it out of the parking lot. 

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Her emotions aren’t new to me.  I can predict her reaction before it happens usually.  I find both comfort and failure in this.  Motherhood is weird like that. Predictable tears can mean that maybe I am not messing it up as much as I thought I was.  She feels secure.  She feels safe to feel what she feels, how she needs to feel it.  And then the next set of tears come and I wonder- Am I doing something wrong?  Have I not given her the tools she needs to manage her tears?

Ah, there it is.  Those words. Tools, manage.  Like crying is a problem that needs to be solved.  But what if it isn’t?

I am a crier.  I have been a crier my entire life.  I just cried during an episode of Station 19 last night. Probably over something most people would not.  I do not view this as a weakness.  Empathy, compassion, anger, sadness, and happiness are all emotions that are expressed by me often with tears.  I can’t recall a time I’ve ever apologized for crying during a movie.  Encanto got me good, and I had zero shame about it.  I am not embarrassed by my tears.

I do not need “tools” to “manage” my tears.  And you know what, neither does she.